My beloved’s name was Katie, she was 19 when she died of complications from leukemia on September 5, 2001. Because she had special treatments in a far-away hospital, K’s wake occurred on September 11, 2001. Yes, 9/11, day of. I remember seeing people come into the funeral home looking shell-shocked. Their world was upside-down and full of fear and sadness – here were people I could relate to, peering out from my shocked fog.

Belongings – K’s room never changed, the drawer in the kitchen that was her junk drawer never changed. I refused to move her Tivo sandals from beside the outside door. Her winter coats hang in the foyer with the ski lift ticket on the parka. My husband likes to call it a shrine – but I like to open the drawers and look in the closet, to feel all of her life and what she was interested in flooding back to me. I like to feel all of her clothes all around me in the closet. I hope for any personal scent, any small smell of her at all, but that’s gone now.

We are moving to the house that my Mum left me, a cute cape. My first instinct is re-create K’s room up in one of the spare bedrooms. Then my mind says that this is an opportunity to make a change. And do what with all my darling’s things? The thought that there might be a finger print of hers drives me crazy…I’m going to give that away? I’ve taken many pictures of the details of K’s room with my digital camera, so the memory is there. The camera idea is the first thing that allowed me to consider making a change in the 1st place.

Have you any ideas? How are you doing? Do you have strong attachments to your son’s belonging?

Thanks for listening, sylvia